THE MORNING AFTER...OR JUST CALL IT "PLAN B"
- Apr 4, 2015
- 3 min read
“You were just a twinkle in your father’s eye.”
These words might make me chuckle if they were coming from the mother of my child, but the mere thought of them resulting from that drunken, horny encounter X years ago terrifies me. Thank modern science for the morning after pill, also known as "Plan B.” Plan B. What an appropriate name for the remedy of a literal fuck-up. However funny it sounds, this remedy is a savior.
One fateful weekend night, I received a last-minute invite to attend my roommate’s girlfriend’s roommate’s birthday party. (Fate seems to have a nasty habit of unfolding via multiple degrees of separation.) I had no idea what to expect when I arrived at the party, but to put it short: I was blown away. The girl-to-guy ratio was staggering. What was even more mind-boggling was all the women were attractive dietitians! How they swayed me with their beauty and discussions of omega-3 fatty acids...
As the night wore on and the party slowly fizzled out, I realized my goofy charm hadn’t really taken me far with the ladies. That is, until the second to last guest departed. I found myself sitting alone on a couch in the living room, waiting to get some sort of acknowledgement from my roommate that he was either ready to head home or stay the night with his girlfriend. Lo and behold, birthday girl enters the room (we’ll call her Laureen) with my roommate’s girlfriend. Laureen sits next to me on the sofa and we engage in friendly banter. Before I knew what was happening, I saw my roommate’s girlfriend leave the room and close the door behind her. Oh—so this is how it’s going down!
It didn’t take long at all. I was already in Laureen’s bed and we had torn off one another’s clothes. Most people who have drunken sexual encounters experience a definitive moment in their lives requiring a split-second decision that could potentially have permanent, life-altering impacts. This moment is even more crucial when coupling with a fertile person of the opposite gender, more-so when this partner is, well, a stranger.
Should I wear a condom? No matter how drunk you might have gotten yourself, this critical question crosses your mind in a instant flash of clarity.
Drunk Rod’s Reasons for wearing a condom:
1. prevent STDs
2. prevent babies
Drunk Rod’s Reasons for not wearing a condom:
1. feels better
2. ?
If there’s one thing that supersedes all the knowledge in the world, it’s the state of being horny. But I digress… All of a sudden, I was spent. When Laureen realized what had so quickly transpired, our conversation went like this:
L: Did you?
R: Yep. Are you on…
L: Nope.
R: …let’s figure this out tomorrow.
Four hours quickly passed by and, clearly alarmed by the gravity of the situation, Laureen woke me up with the strong suggestion we walk to the nearby grocery store. Bleary eyed and slightly cranky, I dressed and followed her out the door for an early morning walk. Once we arrived, Laureen beelined to the pharmacist in the back of the store and had a quiet conversation.
Meanwhile, hungover Rod stood ten paces back and examined the items on the nearest shelf. After a few interminable minutes, Laureen beckoned me to the counter and said, “Let’s split this.” Without a question, I handed her my card, silently understanding she had just proposed we go dutch on a morning after pill. (I’ll interject with how impressed I was—and still am—by her gesture.)
As we made our way out the grocery store, Laureen stopped in front of the Starbucks coffee stand. “Would you like a coffee?” “Hell yeah,” I muttered. She then proceeded to buy my beverage. What more could a dude ask for after accidentally and so briefly impregnating a gal. Apparently, blueberry oatmeal pancakes, which Laureen made me from scratch.
I am not ready to be a father. I count my lucky stars that I am alive in a time when medical research, endless trials, and case studies have presented us with a Plan B. Who knows—maybe Laureen would have provided a rewarding familial experience for the future three of us. Then again, I am more than happy knowing "that little twinkle" in the eye was extinguished before it ever kindled. ®
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