32 Questions I Need Answered By A REAL MAN
Our editor-in-chief KDM discovered a questionnaire written by BuzzFeed’s Kirsten King (@KirstenKing_). It is with great honor (and fervor!) that I, Rod Dennison, answer these questions on behalf of Real Men everywhere. http://bzfd.it/1FmNETp
1. Do you dab your penis after peeing? Like, does it continue to drip a little?
A public urinal doesn’t typically have a roll of toilet paper by its side, so a few shakes will do the trick. However, the privacy of a toilet partition is an ideal place to dab one’s penis. Let’s be real: who enjoys pee-dripped undies?
2. Do you look at other men’s dicks in urinals?
Not intentionally, but I imagine some men might. Would you ever look at other women’s breasts in a locker room?
3. Do you get stage fright while peeing?
Sometimes when there are no urinal dividers. A real man just needs to remind himself to breathe, unclench the butt cheeks, and let it rain. The worst is when you are attempting to pee in a cramped bathroom while physically touching your neighboring urinator via elbow/arm or shoes. In this situation, I gently tuck it back inside my pants and look for the next best option.
4. Is sword-fighting with your dicks really a thing?
It might be for little boys with a sword fixation or big boys with a sword fixation.
5. Why do you adjust yourself in public?
This is an excellent question that my mother and sister used to ask me all the time. Unfortunately, I have never really been able to answer, but I do try to be more covert with my movements.
6. How often do you masturbate?
More than enough on some days, but not enough on others. Libido is pretty mystical, wouldn’t you agree?
7. Do you even really like hand jobs or do you just think about how much better you are at doing it yourself?
Hand jobs are great, but a real man knows his tool best. But please, continue!
8. Do you ever helicopter your dick?
Not unless I’m demonstrating.
9. Does your dick tend to hang toward a specific side?
It does! Mine hangs right. :-)
10. When you get a boner do you tuck it up into your waistband?
Only when I’m in public, otherwise it would make sex a little difficult.
11. If yes, is that up-and-tuck harder to do in jeans?
Tight pants in general will make the tuck-in a little difficult, but it’s doable.
12. Have you ever thought about putting your dick on something that belongs to your enemy to be like, “Fuck you”?
Not really, but I have had sex on their bed. (Still makes me smile!)
13. How hard is it to aim into the toilet?
This is an age-old question that scientists still cannot answer. Please see how a real man addresses this very issue: http://bit.ly/1HYOq0i
14. Why do you leave the seat up?
A real man does not leave the seat up. It’s time you ditch the boys.
15. How liberating is it to be able to pee wherever you want?
It is incredibly liberating. I highly recommend you try it, even if it is a bit trickier.
16. Do you ever take pictures of your own dick just to see what it looks like on camera?
I sure do! Do you ever similarly take pictures of your boobs and/or vagina? (Just make sure not to get your face in the shot or you might regret it.)
17. When you send a dick pic do you take multiple shots to get the right angle/picture?
Absolutely. There are certain angles that make a penis look bigger, just as there might be angles that make an arm look more toned or a smile more infectious.
18. If you’re not interested in someone will you string them along just to get laid?
The answer to this hinges on the horn factor. There has to be SOMETHING interesting about a potential partner in order for a man to get an erection.
19. Do you actually abide by the three-day texting rule after a date?
If I really like her, she’ll get a text the next day or even that night.
20. When texting, do you analyze what you’re going to say or just go for it?
Both, but conversation is best when it’s fresh. If you feel like you’re forcing a text, set down your damn phone and write back after you’ve had time to collect your thoughts. Not everything has to be instant!
21. When you say you’re “emotionally damaged” are you actually or do you just not like the person you’re seeing enough?
Emotionally damaged? You must be referring to the “it’s not you–it’s me” line. I’d say it’s most always that we are not “feeling” the person we’re seeing. If someone really, really likes another person, they’ll do whatever they can to make it work.
22. If you shave your face does the hair grow back thicker?
No, but I’m beginning to think that holds true to my genitalia...
23. How do you know what’s ~en vogue~ for your hair down there?
I doubt most guys will read guy articles in guy magazines for what’s in pubic style. Honestly, just a nice trim job (that shows you care) will do the trick.
24. If you shave down there, is it hard to shave around everything?
Not at all! It took a few tries to figure out what works, as I imagine every dude has a different hair type. What works for me is a light use of soap or shaving cream, warm water, and a fresh razor blade. Razors are pretty good at maneuvering around all curves. One thing I recommend not using is an electric razor.
25. Do you and your friends compare sizes?
No–penises are those illusive things most straight guys never show each other, but hype as much as possible. The real comparisons probably emerge in girlfriend gossip.
26. Have you ever masturbated into a sock?
I have and it’s not the way to go. The best way to get off cleanly is to grab a t-shirt or boxers from your dirty laundry hamper and practice target shooting.
27. How bad is it REALLY to get hit in the balls?
Getting hit in the balls deeply resonates within a man’s gut and directly correlates with the magnitude of the hit.
28. If you could compare the pain to something, what would you compare it to?
I imagine a good ball shot may be similar to menstrual cramps, but combined with the feeling of a rollercoaster drop.
29. Do you show texts from people you like to your friends to get advice?
Don’t we all? It’s important to have a friend or two whose advice you trust, especially when discussing the people you like.
30. When showing pictures of people you like to your friends, do you try and find the best possible picture or just use whatever you find first?
Always show the best possible picture. First impressions mean everything!
31. Will you wait to text someone to play hard to get?
Some people consider texting a game. You don’t want to come across as eager, but you also want this person to know you enjoy the back-and-forward banter. Personally, I’ll only wait to text if I can’t think of anything clever or witty on the spot.
32. WHY IS IT IMPOSSIBLE TO TELL WHAT YOU’RE THINKING?
As you know, men are merely simple creatures. You don’t need to be a Jedi Master to pry into our thoughts, but you can always email me at roddennison@therealmensroom.com and I will happily let you poke around inside my sick and twisted mind. ®
