REAL MEN: PeePee Etiquette
A majority of men are seemingly incapable of urinating into an 80 square inch hole without spraying on or around the edges. This could happen for a multitude of reasons, such as never having learned to color within the lines or, better likely, just having a small dick. Regardless, a man should be capable of mastering the use of his penis over time. I mean, a lifetime of practice makes perfect, right? It's possibly the one part of our bodies we touch the most, whether we're relieving ourselves, washing ourselves, or enjoying ourselves.
If males as a whole could master the use of their penii, there would be no need for a toilet seat outside of providing a comfortable surface for one's buttocks. Speaking of a comfortable surface: something happened to me one recent early morning which I wouldn't wish for even the worst of my enemies. I awoke from a deep slumber to relieve my fully loaded bladder. Due to being so tired, I opted for the more pleasant experience of sitting on the toilet to urinate. Lo and behold, I sat not on a dry toilet seat, but cold soaked piss plastic. It occurred to me at 3am on a weeknight that a mature guest staying overnight in my shared household hosed down the toilet seat. This was definitely not your typical case of splash-back. Nevertheless, I felt a renewed wave of empathy towards all the women and tired gentlemen out there in this vast, toilet-filled world.
How can we as a human race band together to eradicate this embarrassing male behavior? One idea is to look into Singapore's strict laws for inspiration. Would the possibility of fines or misdemeanors force men to maintain a tighter grip? You'd think more than half the population would have to agree. Another more realistic idea would be to #pissshame any man violating our right to a clean toilet. If you find yourself next in line to use a unisex bathroom and a guy comes out after wreaking urinary chaos, #pissshame him! Whatever the case, dudes, strive not to be that guy. If you spill a drop or two, be a real gentleman and use a couple squares of toilet paper to wipe it up. You’ll undoubtedly win the praise of everyone else in line and keep them from thinking you have a small dick. ®
